Oh well, I guess I didn’t pay for any of it.

Dear very naughty bike thief,

I’m hoping that you intend to ride my rusty old mountain bike because:

(a) Bicycling has so many benefits to yourself, the environment and the amenity of the city. I hope it means you use your car less. More bicyclists the better.

(b) You won’t get any money trying to sell it to a pawn shop or person. If I thought that had been an option my bike wouldn’t have been sitting in my garage collecting dust for so long. This is also the reason I left it unchained in the city.

Thanks thief, you’ve helped solve one of my hoarding problems. Happy bicycling.

P.S. I hope that you worked out the brakes don’t actually work before making your way down a steep slope. Bit of karma might be good for you I guess.